I'm back...I think...Definitley not the same.

Wow, hello...Yes, it has been forever and I really do miss you! I have undoubtedly been on a very long unexpected journey feeling for a good portion of it like I was stuck in middle earth and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape. I lost a lot of "friends" in this time, which I have come to painfully realize on this journey they were never my friends in the 1st place. This is truly agonizing to an overt extrovert who had suddenly found herself house & bed bound for a LOOOOOONG time (forever in my mind), trapped really and falling hard & fast leaving nail scrapings along anything I could grab for to stop falling into what seemed a never ending, darker by the moment abyss. Yes, a few people stopped to bring meals (6 meals)...Drop them at the door (or hand them to my kids) and off they went. No offers of taking my kids for any short periods of time to relieve them from having to watch their mother cry, not really be present, just watch their mom rapidly disappear into someone who wished she no longer lived, they lost some friends during this dark time too (this, now that I can look back on it...I deeply regret that so very much). Even though I gratefully appreciated those meals and I know the sacrifice they made to do so, I still felt forgotten. Six months or so out from the accident, I had some nourishment for my soul... I had a couple ladies bring me lunch once and eat with me, I relished those two occasions, I prayed they wouldn't end...But it did and I am thankful for the time they spent with me. I also had a couple ladies come twice to pray with me and pamper me, bring me a couple delicious meals and I adored them for the sacrifice I know they made for me. Those ladies helped me more than they know even though it was brief, they reminded me that I was not forgotten. At this time I had a very close friend, I considered her a sister we were so close. She was there for me quite a bit and helped me as much as she could. She would take my kiddos every once in awhile so they could remember what fun was during this time. She would come hang out in my room while I laid in bed and talk to me about what was going on in her life or just listen to me. She was a lifesaver for me and my family. She helped me through one of the toughest years of my life. Sixteen months or so out from the accident, more changes rolled my way... As I got better, she started to come around less and less. I eventually realized I had been replaced with someone else and their baby. Okay...(I am getting stronger and then BAM, another jagged wrench thrown in). You see, she wanted a baby so badly and as of yet still does not have her own. I know she has things going on in her life that affect this (I don't know in current detail), but she latched on to this other lady with a new little one and hasn't let go so far. I thought it was just a phase. Twenty-two months out from the accident, I had been hobbled... I had to learn to grasp something that I kind of denied when it came to this very close friend of mine. I was having an event for my studio at a park to help drum up business, I had sent a text to her a couple weeks prior along with a handful of other people to join us. It was a hooping jam (hula hoops & family fun), something free for the community. I needed a small group of friends & family to help out & create a buzz to attract other people (you know how that generally works). Anyway, I knew this would be something she would enjoy and she is my bestie, so I invited her. The day before I sent reminder texts out because I know how busy people are these days, and I received a less than friendly text back, at least not one you send to your bestie, a stranger yeah...But not your bestie. That was the day I realized I had been totally and completely replaced and we apparently are not even close friends anymore. A shocking, bitter pill for me to swallow, I had been cut to the quick...Hobbled. I have had to take a long time to heal from that blow and I still haven't completely, my heart still hurts. Yet, I cannot bring myself to talk to her about it, because it is so painful. So... I have kept very busy with my ever growing studio, re-connecting with my husband (who has been amazing through all of this) and my children (they have grown so much in the past 2 years), immersing myself in the presence of The Lord and His word and enjoying my ever faithful childhood friend who spent a good portion of this summer with me nourishing my soul. I have also been busy with my therapies that I still go to as a result of the car accident (I don't need as much medication with the therapies). I still spend a ton of time in bed and I still require a lot of sleep. I have enjoyed the sun as much as I could this summer and my family as I am getting stronger everyday. I practice Pilates 6 days a week and stretch 7 days a week, this is a must (I love the side effects too, I have totally re-shaped my body). I also have formed a therapeutic, results oriented Boot Camp for my studio as well, it is growing like rapid fire...My clients love their results too. I am also getting more immersed in the studio in general and I have stayed true to my free-lancing roots. I teach Ballet & Worship dance to homeschoolers once a week at their co-op. I love pouring into others' lives with my talents and it makes my heart happy the more I get too. I am making an even more conscious effort & plan to show compassion to those who need it. I just recently spent a few months helping my cousin & her husband (he recently just passed away from an aggressive rare cancer, I am glad I got to know him and really connect before he passed away & he definitely made me more thankful for my life), I will continue to check on my cousin and spend time with her. I have also settled with the girl's insurance company, finally. I have also had a healing medical miracle in my neck I will expand upon in the future. I am busy finding myself again because I am definitely not the same. I know this posting started out dark ( I had to get it off my chest before I could move on with this blog), but I am not in that dark place anymore as you can see. I hope my transparency will help someone...If not, at least I got it off my chest. Please accept my apologies for disappearing for such an extended time.