Lately I have been annoyed more than usual, and well...I am tired of it. Mainly because the annoyances are coming from one person and they seem to be completely and utterly oblivious to their off hand insults. Every single time I have bit my tongue and took the high road. However, I am beginning to suspect that is not the best thing to keep doing since it seems to be a continuous issue.
For instance a few weeks ago said person introduced me to a new guest at one of our gatherings. (Names have been changed, except mine and job despcriptions): Joie, this is Rachel! She does Iridology and Chinese medicine! I replied with some small talk and how I know someone who does that same work, blah, blah and so on. Meanwhile said person stands there the whole time, which is fine, until she does this...Joie is our quirky friend....hahahahahaha. I am now thinking WTF!!!!! I decide to bite my tongue instead of saying what I wanted to with every bit of my being, which was...Oh, and this is said person, she is an obnoxious, rude person that randomly shows up at our gatherings! With a big fake smile of course.
Quirky!!!!! Quirky????? Do you know what it says about Quirky in the Dictionary?
Main Entry: quirky
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: eccentric
Synonyms: bizarre, far out, freakish, freaky, idiosyncratic, in left field, kinky*, odd, off-the-wall, out of the ordinary, outre, peculiar, strange, unconventional, unorthodox, unusual, wacky*, way-out, weird
Notes: quirky means strikingly unconventional or given to idiosyncrasies; kinky means showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes - or in small tight curls
Antonyms:
conventional
* = informal/non-formal usage
I admit, I am a bit unorthodox when it comes to doctors, medicine, food, cleaning products, personal hygiene supplies, I am a water snob, and I let my kids learn in freedom. However, I do not consider myself quirky, nor do most people I know. And even so, do you introduce somebody like that?!?!?!???
I like to take the more natural route for things if I can, and when I can't well then obviously I do what needs to be done.
Basically, I have decided I will wait for the next insult and when it happens (because it will) I will take her to another room and let he know that I do not appreciate such and such. If it continues, I will just have to start dishing it back in full doses. I hope it doesn't come to that because I would most definitely not appreciate having to put forth such great energy to do so.
So, if you wish to call me friend...Please call me Joie and do not attach any condescending labels to it. They are not appreciated nor wanted. If that is not possible for you, then don't call me your friend...because then I do not wish to be your friend.
A Post Argument World
2 months ago
Ok, this is surreal. You are the FIFTH person I've heard from in two days with an annoying friend/coworker to deal with. It must be something in the air or water.
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me describe this person's psyche for you. She is insecure and HATES HERSELF. Her inconsiderate behavior is intended to provoke a negative response which serves as self-justification for her emotions.
If you do or say something in response (polite or not), she will get indignant and perceive YOU as the aggressor. She will launch into passive-aggressive attitude. If there are witnesses, she will throw an emotional fit and paint you as the bad person. This could cost you friends.
If you do or say nothing, the behavior continues until a) you respond or b) your discomfort pleases her.
I'm sorry to say there is no pleasant, courteous, kind, solution to this problem. She is an emotional terrorist and you must respond with covert special operations.
First, do not believe it's just you. Unless you are totally dysfunctional (which I'm sure you're not), you are right and everyone else sees the same thing you do. Be secure with your judgments.
Start bringing her up in conversations with others (privately) without any recriminations. Allow THEM to bring up the problems. Then nod in approval. Don't feign a tepid defense for her. Approve firmly and convincingly without casting any aspersions yourself, otherwise you risk becoming the leader of the lynch mob. Also, you don't want it to devolve into idle gossip - you're on a mission, not joining a coffee klatsch!
Once you've got enough people agreeing with you out loud, then keep the fire stoked by asking open-ended questions like, "Did you notice anything about so-and-so at the party?" Don't let the issue die.
After a while, so-and-so will begin to feel isolated from the group. If she lashes out at you individually, DO NOT ENGAGE. Just brush it off with vague comments like, "I think you need to go be by yourself and examine your feelings." The vagueness will KILL her!
If she engages the group, then you've got her! In the group, you can feel safe to employ the frankness you now hope would work individually, but you don't want to talk first and you don't want to talk last. In fact, the less you say the better. Your body language is your most powerful weapon.
Remember always that this person CHOOSES this mental state. The only way out is for her to CHOOSE to leave it.
Men understand this problem well because we are often the victims of this emotional blackmail. Women, who are not natural aggressors, usually take this passive-aggressive route to attack us. The end result if it continues is typically divorce or doormat. Unfortunately, both men and women pay the ransom too often.
NEVER let her get leverage over you either by making you lose your temper or trying to "fix" her. That is precisely the attention she wants. You can't feed that monster or it will grow.
Mental illness is a self-selected mental state. Treat it as such.
Of course, I'm describing this for a relationship which you must continue. The best response, frankly, is to end the relationship without comment. If you're pressed for a reason, you are under no obligation to provide it. You can deflect it with vague statements like, "I have no animosity toward you. I'm just deeply focused on my life and find my comfort with my husband and children." She may try to delve deeper into your friendships but deflect it without ever directly addressing it. Don't tell her she has "issues", "problems" or needs therapy.
If she can't figure out the problem herself, you can't explain it to her. It's learning by Natural Selection.
well, it is good to know i am not alone in my issue...sadly.
ReplyDeletethanks for the advice. hopefully, everything will work out as it should and i do not get dragged down in it all.